Self-Sabotage: Why We Do It and How to Stop

Have you ever found yourself procrastinating on a goal you deeply care about? Or perhaps you’ve pushed away a good opportunity or relationship because it felt “too good to be true”? You’re not alone. This is the sneaky, often misunderstood pattern of self-sabotage, and it affects more people than you think.  Let’s explore why we do it, how to recognize it, and most importantly, how to stop it.

What Is Self-Sabotage?

Self-sabotage is when we consciously or unconsciously act in ways that undermine our success, well-being, or happiness. These behaviours often stem from limiting beliefs, unresolved trauma, or fear of change, and they can show up in many forms:

• Procrastination

• Overthinking or perfectionism

• Avoiding intimacy or vulnerability

• Self-criticism

• Setting unrealistic goals or expectations

Self-sabotage isn’t a character flaw. It’s often a protective mechanism developed from earlier life experiences. Your brain is trying to keep you safe, but it's using outdated methods.

Why We Self-Sabotage

Fear of Failure (or Success)

The fear of falling short can paralyze us. Ironically, the fear of succeeding can be just as powerful. Success might bring pressure, responsibility, or change, all of which can feel uncomfortable.

Low Self-Worth

If deep down you don’t believe you deserve good things, you’ll find a way to block or dismantle them. This might look like settling for less, minimizing achievements, or pushing people away.

Comfort in the Familiar

Our subconscious minds love familiarity, even if it’s painful. If chaos, stress, or emotional distance were “normal” in your past, you may unconsciously recreate those patterns now, even when something better is available.

Unprocessed Trauma

Old wounds can create inner narratives that whisper: “You’re not good enough.” Until healed, these voices often drive our decisions and behaviours from the shadows.

How to Stop Self-Sabotaging

Become Aware

You can’t change what you don’t recognize. Begin by noticing your patterns. What triggers your self-sabotage? Is it right before you reach a milestone? When things are going well?

Question the Inner Critic

When your inner voice tells you you're not ready, incapable, or unworthy, pause and question it. Whose voice is that, really? Does it reflect your truth or someone else’s fear?

Connect With Your Why

Remind yourself why you want to grow, heal, or change. A strong “why” keeps you anchored when your self-sabotaging habits try to pull you back.

Practice Self-Compassion

You won’t “fix” self-sabotage overnight. Be gentle with yourself. These patterns were developed for a reason, and unlearning them requires time, grace, and repetition.

Seek Support

Healing doesn't happen in isolation, whether through therapy, coaching, or a trusted friend. Having someone reflect your blind spots with kindness can be life-changing.

Self-sabotage isn’t a sign that something’s wrong with you. It’s a sign that there’s a part of you, often a younger or wounded part, that needs safety, love, and reassurance.

When you shift from criticizing yourself to understanding yourself, transformation begins.

You don’t need to “get out of your own way,” you just need to meet yourself where you are, with honesty and compassion.

Have you noticed self-sabotage showing up in your life lately? What would it look like to choose something different today, even a small step?

Let this be your invitation to pause, reflect, and realign. You are worthy of your healing, your joy, and your success.

By: Dr, Laurie Williams

www.lauriewilliamswellness.com