From Survival to Conscious Choice

 

From Survival to Conscious Choice

When you live in survival mode you also make decisions from survival as well, so it becomes easy to mistake survival for conscious choice.  So many of the decisions you make day-to-day happen automatically, and you don't stop long enough to question where these decisions come from.  As a child, you learned ways of thinking, behaving, and responding that helped you to survive difficult experiences.  Over time, these responses become so familiar that you may mistake them for who you are, or the way life is.  Conscious choice requires slowing down enough to ask whether the way you are responding is still serving you, meaning are your decisions actually reflective of who you are rather than who you became.  Let me give you an example.

Example: You attract someone who needs you to support them, who needs you to be their emotional safe space, who has some very clear "red flags," but you ignore them because they have so much potential.  In time, this relationship leaves you feeling disconnected from yourself and overwhelmed because, while you were doing everything for them, there was no one taking care of your needs or being your emotionally safe person.  You walk away from the relationship feeling more unlovable, unworthy, and done with relationships.  You vow "never again," only for it to happen again and again.  

Then you find someone who is great.  Everything is going so well, this person makes you feel special even after months, you support each other, you are each others safe space and you feel more alive then ever.  All of a sudden one day you start ripping apart their faults, feeling overwhelmed because this must be too good to be true.  You may even find yourself sabotaging the relationship.  

In this example, you see the pattern; the wrong relationship feels safer because although you know it's not what you want, it's what your nervous system sees as being safe.  You have been there, done that, and your nervous system knows what to expect.  It's when the nervous system doesn't know what's coming that you get nervous and begin to sabotage.   Something good for you can feel threatening, and something not good for you can feel safe, all because of your nervous system's conditioning.  This alone can make it feel almost impossible to learn how to distinguish between survival and conscious choices.

I'm going to break this down to show you how to begin to make decisions from conscious choice and stop making decisions from survival.  Survival may feel safe, but it will also feel urgent, like your life depends on this answer urgent.  These decisions will always come from a place of fear.  You may weigh in other people's expectations or pick the one that feels less likely to cause conflict.  Survival decisions will also be a reaction to what is happening rather than a response to what is happening. Survival decisions look like this: *Something happens - I react - I decide*

Conscious choice is the exact opposite.  It will ask you to slow down, check in with what you truly want and consider your options.  Conscious choice asks you to trust yourself enough to know that you are doing the best you can with where you are and the information you have right now, knowing that as more information becomes available that you are able to make new decisions as needed.  It's knowing that you don't need to know where you will end up, but knowing that you will be okay when you get there.  Conscious choice looks like this: *Something happens - I pause - I consider my options - I become aware (of any survival fears coming up and work through them) - I choose*

As you begin to shift from survival decisions to conscious choice, you will most likely experience feelings of guilt and wishing you knew which decision was "right."  When these come up recognize them for what they are, your survival mode trying to hold on for dear life.  Remind yourself that you can't make a wrong decision when it is made from conscious choice and that you have the ability to make new decisions as needed.

By: Dr. Laurie Williams, D.Ms

https://lauriewilliamswellness.com/

 

When You Stop Chasing, Fixing, and Pleasing: What Happens to Your Relationships?

I want to make a very clear distinction before I dive into this blog post.  Your relationships aren't about the other person.  They are always a reflection of you.  When you grow and change, your relationships will reflect that.  The strong relationships will grow and change with you, and the not-so-strong ones will end.  This is something that holds many people back from coming back to themselves and keeps them stuck in comfortable roles.  These roles will remain comfortable until they aren't, and at that point, what is meant to fall will fall, and what is meant to stand will stand. We can't control the outcome, regardless of how badly you may not want to lose some relationships.  I want to share with you below three of the most powerful shifts that happen when you step out of the role and into who you are.

You stop accepting relationships that require you to abandon yourself.

At the core of who you are, you are not a "people-chaser", a "fixer", or a "people-pleaser".  These are roles that you lived in to survive your early life, and until you stop playing these roles, they will continue to dominate who you are throughout your adult life as well.  The more you focus on your growth and coming back to who you are without the conditioning, these roles begin to feel severely uncomfortable.  I want you to think of wearing a scratchy wool sweater that is 6 sizes too small kind of uncomfortable.  Being the people-chaser, the fixer and/or the people-pleaser has required you to do something that you may have never noticed.  These roles require you to abandon your needs, your dreams, your values, your boundaries and yourself to keep others happy.  When you abandon this role, the most powerful shift is this: You stop accepting relationships that require you to abandon yourself.  Not all at once necessarily, but eventually, any relationship that has required you to ignore yourself will no longer be acceptable in your life.

Your tolerance for inconsistency decreases.

As someone who lives the role of a people chaser, you typically do this because the truth is, if you don't, they won't.  What I mean is, if you aren't the one constantly reaching out, visiting, keeping connection, then the other people in the relationship wouldn't do anything.  This is called "low-or-no-effort relationships."  The truth is, no relationship is healthy when only one person is putting in the effort, and it's only a matter of time before that unhealthy relationship crumbles.   When you stop being the chaser in the relationship, you will no longer equate someone's lack of willingness to your worth; you will not feel compelled to convince people to stay, respond, understand you or choose you. You will no longer be able to normalize things you once explained away, such as being ignored, one-sided communication, disrespect, manipulation or constant criticism.  Stopping the people-chasing is you finally choosing you, and that has been the missing piece all along.

Some relationships become deeper, while others become more uncomfortable.

The relationships that change with you will become the people in your life who can meet you with honesty, reciprocity, accountability and respect. The more you are authentically you, the more honest you are, the more vulnerable you will be, and the less protective or defensive you are in your relationships.   These relationships naturally become deeper in connection.  You will also be able to connect more authentically to new people in your life to create new relationships that become deeper and more meaningful.  Other relationships will become uncomfortable.  Not because you have done anything wrong, but because the dynamic changes when you change.  The part of you that used to accommodate these dynamics is no longer available, and that is okay.  

The unfortunate part of these shifts is they don't discriminate.  You may realize that your most unhealthy dynamic was with someone close to you, such as a mother, father, sibling, or friend of many years.  You may be made out to be the villain and blamed because you changed.  You don't owe anyone in your life stagnation, and they don't owe you change.  As you grow, you may find yourself less reactive.  You no longer have the desire to defend yourself against the criticism.  Part of your growth will be in understanding that what others say about you has nothing to do with you.  

The most beautiful part of stepping out of these roles is the ability you will have to become capable of healthier relationships.  When you are no longer looking outside of yourself for another person to see your worth, regulate your emotions, complete you or make you feel chosen, you can connect from choice rather than need.  

By: Dr. Laurie Williams D.Ms

https://lauriewilliamswellness.com/

 

What Self-Abandonment Actually Looks Like in Real Life

Most people think that self-abandonment is something that shows up dramatically in our lives. The truth is that it rarely looks dramatic. In fact, it usually looks like being responsible, productive, helpful, accommodating, and successful, and none of these are bad traits to have. Self-abandonment happens when you consistently ignore yourself in order to maintain attachment, approval, safety or a sense of belonging. I'm going to break down how self-abandonment may show up in your day-to-day life without you even realizing it.

Saying Yes When You Mean No

• Agreeing because you don't want to disappoint someone.
• Taking on responsibilities that you don't have the capacity for.
• Prioritizing someone else's comfort over your own truth.
• convincing yourself that "it's not a big deal" when it actually is.

The pattern here is that preserving connection becomes more important than honouring yourself.

Constantly Looking Outside Yourself for Answers

• Asking everyone what they think before making a decision.
• Consuming endless advice, podcasts, books, and content.
• Trusting experts more than your own experience.
• Feeling incapable of deciding without reassurance.

The pattern that is showing up here is allowing other people's voices to become louder than your own.

Shrinking Yourself to Keep the Peace

• Not expressing your needs.
• Avoiding difficult conversations.
• Staying quiet when something feels wrong rather than speaking up.
• Making yourself smaller so others stay comfortable.

The pattern at play here is that harmony is only maintained at the cost of being your true self.

Becoming Who Others Need You to Be

• Changing depending on who you are around.
• Playing the caretaker, achiever, fixer, peacekeeper, or rescuer.
• Feeling disconnected from who you actually are underneath the roles.
• Not knowing what you genuinely want anymore.

The pattern is that your identity becomes performance

Ignoring What Your Body Is Telling You

• Pushing through exhaustion rather than resting or believing you must earn rest.
• overriding your intuition.
• Dismissing your emotional signals.
• Treating discomfort as something to conquer instead of understand.

The pattern here is that your body becomes something you manage rather than something you listen to.

Staying in Situations That No Longer Fit

• Holding onto relationships you have outgrown
• Keeping a job that mentally, emotionally, and physically drains you.
• Keeping commitments that no longer align.
• Continuing because leaving feels uncomfortable.

The pattern that comes up is that familiarity feels safer than your truth.

Living According to Expectations Instead of Values

• Building a life that looks successful but doesn't feel like yours.
• Chasing milestones because they are expected or to make others happy.
• Following "rules" you never consciously chose for your own life.
• Realizing you've been living someone else's definition of success.

The pattern that external validation replaces internal guidance.

Making Yourself Responsible for Everyone Else

• Managing other people's emotions.
• Carrying their reactions.
• Trying to prevent conflict.
• Believing it's your job to keep everyone happy.

The pattern is that you carry weight that was never yours to carry.

As you can see, self-abandonment is not a single event. In fact, you may think it's part of your personality or "it's just who I've always been." You have learned to self-abandon through a collection of small moments where you consistently chose attachment over truth, approval over being your true self, and safety over self-trust. The way back is not to become someone new. It's recognizing all the places you've been leaving yourself behind and choosing one small decision at a time that is true to who you are and not a performance for someone else.

You will make others uncomfortable. They may even stop talking to you because you no longer manage their emotions for them, but it's a small price to pay to be true to yourself. There is no other relationship that should come before the relationship you have with yourself, and the people that are meant to be in your life will support that without you even having to ask.

By: Dr Laurie Williams D.Ms

https://lauriewilliamswellness.com/

 

The Difference Between Who You Are and Who You Learned To Be

Most people are not living as their true selves.  They learned from an early age that being themselves was not safe for one reason or another.  Maybe you have never felt safe because of needs not being met or because you were sent the message that being you was too much or not lovable.  So you create a version of you that feels cared for, loved, seen, heard and valued because in receiving these needs also receive the safety that being you didn't allow.  This is your survival self.

People then grow up thinking that this survival identity is actually who they truly are at their core, but it isn't.  There is a difference between adaptation and identity.  Many people mistake people-pleasing, coping mechanisms, performance, hyper-independence, emotional shutdown, overachievement, or perfectionism for their true identity.  The issue isn't that these patterns formed; the issue is that they become your entire identity until you are able to recognize and release them.  If you continue to hold onto these patterns, they will continue to run your life unconsciously, and the truth is that as an adult, you don't need them to keep you safe anymore.  You no longer live in your childhood, and the adult you is more than capable of keeping you safe without these survival tactics.

The Person You Learned To Be Was Built For Protection

Survival patterns are learned responses to environments, relationships, expectations, and emotional consequences.  Children learn very quickly who they have to become to receive safety, love, approval, or stability.  A child may have to become the "responsible one" in order to gain the praise and love of their parents.  Or maybe a child learns that trying to express their needs isn't safe because they get yelled at when they do so, they become the "easy one", the one who does what they are told to not upset anyone.  The overachiever quickly realizes that their parents are only happy with them when they bring home A's on their report card.  These are just a few of the identities that we develop early in life, and they often begin as protection, not truth.  What once felt like it protected you will eventually disconnect you from yourself in adulthood.

High-Functioning Does Not Mean Aligned

Once we become adults, many people build their entire lives around survival patterns.  Many people may look successful on the outside while being internally disconnected from themselves.  Functioning is not the same thing as knowing who you truly are.  With this functioning usually comes burnout.  The internal can never seem to get enough rest, soul-tired, type of burnout.  This affects your career, relationships, parenting style and even social identities.  This exhaustion comes from working overtime to maintain an identity built around survival rather than self-truth.  Your nervous system can become addicted to performance, predictability, and external validation, so the loop continues even without you being aware of it.

Signs You Are Living As Who You Learned To Be

Self-awareness is the key to realizing what a survival pattern is and what your true identity is.  Here are some signs that you are living as the person you needed to be to survive and not your true self:

• Chronic overthinking and/or struggling to make decisions
• Feeling as though you are stuck in your life
• Not knowing who you are outside of the roles you play
• Struggling to trust yourself without needing outside validation
• Feeling like your life is "fine" but knowing that something internally feels off
• Feeling emotionally numb or emotionally overloaded
• Feeling guilty for resting, saying no, or putting yourself first

The True Self Is Usually Quieter Than The Survival Self

The survival self was built on fear.  It's urgent, reactive and loud.  The true self is the quiet whisper that you hear when you silence the survival self.  So much of what people believe is their intuition is actually their true self having its voice heard.  It feels foreign when you can finally hear the true self after years of conditioning and believing that the identity you have come to know is not actually who you are.  This is extremely uncomfortable and unfamiliar.  Your nervous system often interprets truth as being unsafe at first because it threatens the old survival patterns.  In time, your nervous system will recalibrate itself to the true self, so it's imperative that you stick with the releasing process, but also have patience and compassion for the process that you are going through.  

Being your true self is not about becoming someone new.  It's not about learning how to regulate your nervous system (your nervous system is built to regulate itself).  It's about having the self-awareness to see the survival patterns as they come up and reprogram your response to them in real time.  You can not journal or meditate your way through releasing your survival self.  Becoming your true self will require honest self-reflection, awareness of how your nervous system is programmed, what triggers you, and where you are abandoning yourself.  These are all part of the survival roles that need to be released.

You Are Not Broken

You simply became who you needed to be, but there comes a point where survival will start to cost you yourself and your truth.  The goal is not to hate the version of yourself that adapted, but to recognize where adaptation is not imprisonment.  The real work begins when you stop asking yourself, "Who do others need me to be?" and start asking, "Who am I underneath everything I learned to become?"  This is the point when you can begin to uncover the authentic you in all your glory and truth.

Dr. Laurie Williams

https://lauriewilliamswellness.com/

You Don't Need Healing. You Need to See What You're Actually Doing

 

You Don't Need Healing.  You Need to See What You're Actually Doing

Most people don't have a lack of clarity problem.  They have a pattern visibility problem.  You already know what you need to do.  You already know what's misaligned.  You already feel the moments where you override yourself.  Although you know these things about yourself, you don't follow them.  Not because you are broken, but because you are patterned.  These patterns are running behind the scenes through your nervous system faster than your awareness.

This Work Is NOT About Growth

It's not about becoming a "better version" of yourself.  That idea alone is a big part of the distortion.  It keeps you stuck in the cycle that the current version of you is broken and needs to be fixed.  Even after years of working on yourself, you will never feel the wholeness that you are looking for because the system driving the actions is still the same.  The truth is, you are already the best version of yourself.  You don't need to become anything; you just need to remove what isn't truly you.  The overthinking.  The second-guessing.  The performance.  The constant internal negotiation.  That's not part of your personality.  That's your patterns exposing themselves while you're under pressure.  

High Functioning Does NOT Mean Self-Aligned

Most of the people I work with are high-functioning.  They're successful, they're capable, they're the ones others rely on.  Yet internally?  They are fragmented. They switch versions of themselves depending on the environment they are in and who they are around.  They override their instincts to maintain stability.  They call it being strategic, but it's not.  It's self-abandonment that they have been repeating to the point that it is completely normalized.

The Real Issue:  You Don't Trust Yourself Under Pressure

Not in theory, but in real time.  When the stakes are high.  When there's a potential or even perceived risk of loss.  When there's judgment, rejection, or uncertainty.  That's where your real operating system shows up.  Most people don't like what they see in themselves in these moments, so they distract, delay, or reframe it into something more comfortable.  That becomes the loop they get stuck in.

Pattern Exposure Changes Everything

I don't coach mindset.  I don't teach strategies.  I don't give you tools or frameworks to "stay positive."  I expose patterns.  The ones you can't see.  The ones you have normalized.  The ones that are quietly dictating your decisions, your relationships, and your results.  Once you see them clearly, you can't go back, and that is exactly the point.  

This is a Point of No Return

This work is not for people who want to feel better. It's for people who are ready to stop lying to themselves.  It's for people who can feel that something is off, not externally but internally, and they are done coping or trying to manage it.  Once you see your patterns, you lose the ability to pretend you don't know, and that is where the real lasting change begins.  Not from more effort, more healing, but from truth.

If You're Ready to See It

If you are still looking for motivation, this isn't for you.  If you're still trying to "figure yourself out, " this will frustrate you.  But if you are at the point where you can feel the distortion and disconnection in your decisions, your reactions, your inconsistency, then you know you are ready.  Not to become someone new, to finally see who you have been operating as and more importantly, to see who you are without the operating system, to finally learn who you truly are.

Pattern Exposure Session

This is where we identify the patterns that are distorting your self-trust, decision-making, and performance in real time.  No strategies, no surface-level insight, just the truth of what programming is running you.  Once you see it, you won't be able to unsee it.

Dr. Laurie Williams, D.Ms

https://lauriewilliamswellness.com/

Book a Pattern Exposure session here: https://calendly.com/lauriewilliamswellness/patternexposure