You Didn't Lose Yourself. You Lost the Role That Hid You.
I have seen an influx of people who are navigating motherhood in a very different way than they have before, myself included. Of course, we are not the first generation to go through this, nor will we be the last, but I feel it's a topic we don't speak openly about often enough.
The "empty nest" phase of motherhood is not new, and the "almost empty nest" isn't either. When you're the one going through it, it is all new to you, and that is something that you need to honour within yourself. You have never been here before, and that's okay. We often talk about the more physical aspect of this phase of motherhood, such as the quietness of the house, less driving to extracurricular activities, cooking less and having fewer responsibilities in general. But I want to take this blog post deeper. I want to explore the question, "Who am I when motherhood is no longer my main role?"
There is a deep shift within us when a role such as motherhood no longer gives us what it once did, such as providing structure, purpose, identity, and a reason to put yourself second. It can lead to feelings of not knowing who you are outside of this role. Unfortunately, when you have been defined so deeply by a role you played that you don't even know who you are on the other side of it, it can lead to you trying harder to make your kids need you, or even worse, choose you. The truth is they will always need you, but it's in a much different way than they have before. Your role hasn't stopped; you will always be their mom, but your role has changed.
There is a time when you may find yourself grieving your children and the role you had in their lives, and that is okay too. You may find that you are proud of them becoming independent adults while missing who you were when they needed you every day. Two (or more) things can be true at the same time. The goal is to allow yourself to feel it all without staying stuck in any of it.
When you build your identity around the person you become as a mother, there is a fall of this identity when the role changes, and this is usually the hardest part to navigate. You are not the person you were 20 years (or more) ago before children, but you aren't in the same mother role anymore either. So who are you? This is where things can become uncomfortable. If being needed became the primary way you experienced your own value, you may find yourself projecting the need to be needed onto something or someone else. Maybe a younger child, your spouse, or even a pet. The problem with this is that is it short lived and you are still attaching your value onto something or someone outside of you rather than focusing on yourself.
After the grief, it's time to look at who you want to be, what you enjoy doing with your time, and what it is that you want from your life now. These are all the things that will help you to bring the focus back to yourself. It's not about going back to who you were pre-child bearing years. Let's face it, we have come too far and learned too much to go back there. But it's also not about reinventing yourself or becoming someone new. The empty nest phase of motherhood is the perfect phase of your life to remember who you are, right now, in this moment, and in the next and the next. Do you love to read? Travel? Create? Have you longed to try a new hobby or maybe move to a different country?
You have done your job, Mama. You have raised your babies to be in the world on their own; we don't have children to be able to keep them to ourselves. Raising them and letting them go was the point all along. Now it's your turn. Be the one who needs you. Be the one that loves you and puts you first. Be the one to make your happiness and joy the first priority. Work towards remembering who you are and love her fiercely. You deserve a wildly joyful life that you are excited to live every day; go create that for yourself. Empty nest is not the end of your life, just an end to a chapter of the book of your life. What happens in the next chapters is completely up to you.
By: Dr. Laurie Williams D.Ms
